Echelon Conspiracy

Netflix Summery:
After stumbling upon a strange cell phone that seems to steer him toward limitless wealth, a young engineer (Shane West) goes along for the ride. But the road veers into dangerous territory when he becomes the target of a global conspiracy. Edward Burns, Ving Rhames and Martin Sheen co-star in this politically charged thriller about a deadly device and the lengths to which people will go to get their hands on it.

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[x]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 6/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Thats right Mr. Peterson, listen to everything the mysterious phone tells you to do. I am sure it has no dastardly motive at all.”
“Hey Mr. FBI man, texts and sms messages ARE THE SAME THING!!!”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time this movie reminds you of the movie Eagle Eye.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“'Say hi to mother'? Wait! Yuri and I are related?!”

Quote:
"Nice to see youre still a prick" "Nice tie"
"Do you know what the 3 most important words in politics are" "No sir" "Dont get caught"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Echelon Conspiracy: AKA, Eagle Eye without Shia LaBeouf.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Computer nerds can type 200 words a minute and all Russian guys have to be named either Yuri, Viktor, Or Ivan

This Movie Brought To You By:
Half of a blueberry muffin, a cup noodle with extra carrots added, and a Jarritos soda

Final Rating:
I give this movie 2 ½ power overloads via a belt buckle out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Knocking out the power with a belt, making insane bets at casinos because a phone told you to, pointing at an estranged stair well on a surveillance screen and knowing EXACTLY where it is, a guy that kinda sounds like the Alstate commercial guy, convincing a computer that it is doing the wrong thing, a crappy attempt at a twist ending, and FINALLY: starting off the movie on a tense note in which someone get nailed by a train...and then breaking into a poppy, indie rock song.

Hudson Hawk

This movie was awesome!!!

It gave a few nods to the flint movies. If you have never seen our man flint, or in like flint you need to.

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[xxxxxx]-Someone explodes
[xxxxx]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

I have to give atleast one quote from this masterpiece.
"I want to do community service. I want to teach handicapped children to yodle."

Bonus

Thank you Dalamar.

http://www.spike.com/video/cinemassacre-top-10/3327701

Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus

Megashark Vs. Giant Octupus
Netflix Summery:
After a series of mysterious disasters occurs in the Pacific, from the disappearance of a plane to the destruction of an oil rig, a group of scientists discovers that a secret military mission has unearthed a prehistoric shark and a giant octopus. When the government learns of the existence of the menacing beasts, the team of scientists is tasked with formulating a plan to destroy the phenomenal creatures. Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson star.

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[x]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[x]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[x]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[x]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[x]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 10/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“If your friend dropped the dvd off why was there no return address on the envelope?”
“Wow a sex scene that was essential to the plot”
“You guys dont know if thats the shark or the octopus? The sonar clearly depicts a blob looking thing with tentatcles.”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink everytime they restablish where the main characters are by an outside shot and a title saying that they are at " Treasure Island, US Naval Air Command Station

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Man I cant believe we just killed that giant shark and ocotupus. Guess its time to kill Super Shrimp”

Quote:
"Yeah customs, we have customs in the U.S too." "Urinatiing on co-workers?"
"Those guys have been frozed in ice for millions of years, wouldnt you be a little horny?"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus: a movie that proves that its possible to fall in love after knowing someone for a little more then a week.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Smart Japanese scientist and smart people wear glasses

This Movie Brought To You By:
Ribs, brownies, and a philly cheese steak hot pocket

Final Rating:
I give this movie 2 ½ unlikely animal rivalries out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Sharksicle, a foot and a half long sharks tooth, randomly cutting to black and white, using the same shot over and over again, pronouncing "Feng Shui" as "Fang Shui", the stereotype that all chemicals when mixed change colors, neon glowing pheromones, giant shark taking a bite out of the golden gate bridge while the military literally just sits there, huge tentacles slapping a fighter jet out of the sky, and FINALLY: megashark jumping out of the water and taking out a 747 jet with its teeth
-Frazati

Marked for death

Typical Steven Segal bullshit. I was not too impressed with this movie. I think it is the bottom of the buket for his movies.

[xx]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]-Someone explodes
[x]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[x]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[x]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[xxx]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[x]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Yojimbo

I hated this movie. DAMN YOU SERGIO LEONE!!!! Why did you have to rip off the chinese??

[xxx]-Bad guy has facial hair
[xx]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[x]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Surrogates

Surrogates
Netflix Summery:
Based on Robert Venditti's graphic novel of the same name, director Jonathan Mostow's sci-fi thriller is set in a futuristic world in which humans hibernate at home while living their lives vicariously through robot surrogates. When a series of mysterious surrogate murders occurs, FBI agent Greer (Bruce Willis) ventures out into the world for the first time in years to investigate. Radha Mitchell and Ving Rhames co-star.

Checklist:
[x]Bad guy has facial hair
[x]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[x]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[x]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[x]Intro includes narrated back story
[ ]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 10/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“WHAT?! BRUSE WILLIS WITH HAIR?!”
“I guess James Cromwell is the go-to guy for whenever you need an old guy character who is responsible for inventing and pioneering the mass usage of robots.”
“Whats the point of war if you are just killin robots?”

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Golly geez, all the surrogates are dead. Now who is gonna clean up all these robots?”

Quote:
“To kill an addiction, you have to kill the addict”

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Surrogates: The Matrix, starring Bruce Willis.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Fat computer nerds and hicks with shotguns

This Movie Brought To You By:
PB&J and some left over chicken nuggets

Final Rating:
I give this movie 3 ½ horrible looking hairpieces out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Fat guys living double lives as skinny blonde women, trying to pat out the flames of a helicopter that just exploded, japanese robot rental shops, robot crucifixion, everyone in the world falling over at the same time, the ol' using someones body to bypass retinal scanners trick, Bruce Willis's awful hairpiece, and FINALLY: getting your surrogate “high” with an electric bong.