XXX

XXX
Netflix Summery:
Xander "XXX" Cage (Vin Diesel), a notorious underground rush-seeker deemed untouchable by the law, is coerced by NSA Agent Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson) to cooperate with the government and infiltrate a Russian crime ring. If XXX succeeds, Gibbons promises to keep him out of prison. Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious) directs this high-octane, action-packed thrill ride. Asia Argento and Marton Csokas co-star.

Checklist:
[x]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[x]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[x]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[x]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[x]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy (this time, good guy) because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[x]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[x]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[xx]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 12/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Hey! its Machete!!”
“Of course you're gonna find him. hes the only guy wearing a suit at a hard rock concert.”
“The girl just said that the car pretty much has everything you can imagine to take out the sub. Why do you insist on having to get on top of it? Way to move the plot forward writers. “
“You said it was a submarine, not a jet ski”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time Vin Diesel passes out or gets knocked unconscious. Take a drink every time some heavy metal song plays in the background.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“You know, maybe having sex underwater wasn't such a good idea”

Quote(s):
"You wanna get on a plane? or is 'kiss my ass' your final answer?"
"You got a bazooka. Dude stop thinking proper police and start thinking Playstation. Blow sh*t up!"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
XXX: Vin Deasel's way of giving the X-games the finger after they wouldn't let him compete.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Russians not only love their vodka, but can only be named Viktor, Yuri, or Ivan.

This Movie Brought To You By:
A cheeseburger and a rainbow float.

Final Rating:
I give this movie 3 slow motion stunt scenes out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Jumping cars off of a bridge, bowling with vases, a crap load of Russians, a girl pole dancing on a bed pillar, randomly switching from Russian to English when it moves the plot forward, putting a lit cigarette behind your ear, using a serving tray to blind a sniper, skating down a railing with said serving tray, exploding tables, purposely causing (and then outrunning) an avalanche, blowing up a potato truck, and FINALLY: nailing a sniper with a heat seeking rocket because the sniper is smoking.

-Frazati