Con Air

Netflix Summery:
When the government puts all its rotten criminal eggs in one airborne basket, it's asking for trouble. Before you can say, "Pass the barf bag," the crooks control the plane, led by creepy Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom (John Malkovich). Watching his every move is the just-released Nicolas Cage, who'd rather reunite with his family. The action climaxes with an incredible crash sequence in Las Vegas.

Checklist:
[x]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[x]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[x]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[xx]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[x]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[x]Bad guy uses a pun
[x]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[x]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[x]Montage of some sort to show time is passing
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 17/45 *New High Score!*

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Maybe you should put the headset on your head instead of just holding up the earpiece to your face, you look stupid.”
“There are plenty of empty seats on that plane. Why did they put the annoying black guy and the indian next to each other?”
“NICKY CAGE SOUNDS JUST LIKE FORREST GUMP!”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time Diamond Dog says the word “pigs” (or if you really wanna get wasted take a drink every time something explodes).

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Wow, life really IS like a box of chocolates.”

Quote(s):
"Man this is the time to fight, f*ck, or hit the fence, and I suggest you hit the fence"
"You just stay here and don't panic." "Easy for you to say, you dont gotta take a piss"
"I dont know how to tell ya this Cyrus, but we are three white guys short. Or as they say in Ebonics 'We be f*cked'”
"Gag and bag this nazi muffin"
"Put the bunny back in the box"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Con Air: A movie starring Nicky Cage as Forrest Gump as he spends a good chunk of the movie trying to find a needle to give Bubbah his insulin only to have Bubbah get shot a few minutes after getting said insulin.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Too many to name.

This Movie Brought To You By:
Some backed chicken, a Rice Krispie treat andsome diet coke,

Final Rating:
I give this movie 3 burning injins out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Nicky Cage's horrible southern accent (that makes him sound like Forrest Gump), "SNOWBALLS!", picking your handcuffs with a pin you hid inside your hand, lighting indian man on fire, the ol' bomb in a box that says "Dont open" on it because its a bomb trick, a license plate that says "AZZ KIKR", hitching up the inmates to the plane and dragging it out of the dirt like they are cattle, a cross dressing inmate, crash landing the plane on the Las Vegas strip, using a fire hose to take out cops on motorcycles, the plane taking off dragging a car behind it, and FINALLY: driving down the street on a beautiful day with your wife, the car is freshly waxed, peaceful music is playing and BAM a dead guy falls out of the sky and lands on your car.

Closing Thoughts:
This movie is a classic. I decided to try and pick a movie that had as many cliches as possible and boy Con Air didn't disappoint. Its a movie where anything and everything blows up and anybody and everybody gets shot. The movie could have gone without the really creepy but pointless Steve Buscemi parts but hey I am not complaining. If you are looking for a big dumb action movie, you cant go wrong with this.

P.S I have swapped out "shes gonna blow!" with "Montage of some sort to show time is passing"

Taxi Driver

Tonight I watched one of my favorite movies. Jodie Foster grows up and becomes a 12 year old prostitute. Robert DiNero is the hero in the movie. Harvey Kietel is a pimp. Peter Boyle is the man with all the answers. Susan Saranadan is the lovely lady.

This is how it ends.



Give it a watch.

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[]-“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[x]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[xx]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[x]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[x]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[x]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxx]-Dead body.
[xx]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[xx]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Lean on me

Just because Morgan Freeman plays a GREAT BASTARD!!!

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[]-“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[x]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[x]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[]-Dead body.
[xx]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Sunday Double Feature: SLC Punk!

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[x]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[ ]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[x]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[ ]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[ ]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliche Total: 4/45

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Being called Heroin Bob but hating needles, accidently doing Acid by running through sprinklers with Acid in your pocket, handing another guy your glasses so they dont get broken when youre about to kick the crap out of someone, accurate depictions of the famously stupid alcohol laws in Utah, beating the crap out of Nazis, bitting rednecks in the leg, and FINALLY: trying to sink a car in the Great Salt Lake only to find that it floats.

Quote(s):
"The thing about me and Bob, and pretty much all of us was we hated red necks more then anything else...period."

So for the 2nd half of the double feature I decided to not follow the formula per say that I usually tend to follow. I am only going to do the checklist (because this is a blog about cliches) and the things you missed while making a sandwich. This movie was really interesting for me to watch because I could relate to it on many levels. Not just because well, the people who run this blog are from Utah, but just because I know what its like to have the same outlooks on life that the main character has and how he progresses through his life. I really enjoyed this movie and I am giving it 3 Utah inside jokes out of 5.

Sunday Double Feature: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Netflix Summery:
When scientists the world over keep disappearing without a trace, it's up to intrepid reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) and top aviator Sky Captain (Jude Law) to uncover the truth in this futuristic, Art Deco-style actioner. The task involves putting their lives at risk as the pair travels to treacherous locales, hoping to throw a wrench in the plans of a villain who aims to wipe out the planet. Angelina Jolie and Giovanni Ribisi co-star.

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[x]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[ ]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[x]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[xxx]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 4/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Hindenburg III? does that mean that the 2nd one blew up as well?”
“You can tell she is a journalist, giant robots are attacking the city but she HAS to get her camera”
“For a conveyer belt thats loading up every animal in the world into a rocket if you close your eyes and just listen it sounds like they are only loading up elephants and monkeys. “

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time they visualize radio waves with animated ripples. Take 2 drinks every time Gwyneth Paltrow complains about having only two shots left.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Boy its a good thing that the crazy german scientist guy put these escape pods in the rocket where no humans were going to be on board. “

Quote(s):
"Can we just die for once without all this bickering?"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: A movie that takes the 1930's and just throws robots in it.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Journalists that have their name printed on the door and someone is dying and they are trying to say something important but die before they can finish their sentence

This Movie Brought To You By:
A cup noodle, a bowl and a half of Raisin Bran, another Jarritos, and some cheese nips.

Final Rating:
I give this movie 4 animated radio waves out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Taking the time to make a call from a pay phone whlie the city is under attack, visually showing radio waves, the ray gun from nazi zombies, shrunken elephants, getting paid in vienna sausages, waking up naked in bed with the reporter chick and your fat hairy friend, a guy that looks like a man sized version of yoda, a flying airstrip, the WORST computer animated skeleton imaginable, a blatant knock off of the big green head of the wizard in the wizard of oz, and FINALLY: kissing the girl you love and then punching her in the face.

Closing Thoughts:

I was really surprised by this movie. It came out years ago and I remember seeing the trailer once and never hearing from it again so I just assumed it sucked. Turns out it is a really imaginative, really cool little movie. I highly recommend it to anyone who is tired of your standard run of the mill sci-fi movie.

Check back later for the 2nd half of todays Sunday Double Feature: SLC Punk!

Driving Miss Daisy

Another good Morgan Freeman movie. This is a nice tale about an onry penny pinching jew and her black driver set in the 50's/60's. Her black driver couldn't read and was somewhat ignorant. She was crotchety and wanted nothing to do with him.

While reading the IMDB about this movie, I found a review with a quote I really liked. The review said "You can spend millions on special effects and get a shitty movie. Or, you can spend the same amount on story and rely on the ability of the actors and come out with an award winner." I will stack this movie up against any blockbuster etc. It has a great soundtrack that really sticks with you. The relationship between Hoke and Daisy really make the movie. Dan Akroyd does a great job as Daisy's son who hires Hoke. Most of the comedy from this movie comes from Hoke's wise cracks. There is nothing wrong with "An old nigger and an old Jew lady" driving down the road.

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[]-“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[x]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[xxxx]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[x]-Dead body.
[x]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Shawshank Redemption

I begin Morgan Freeman week with my favorite movie he was in. If you have not seen this movie then you should seek forgiveness from your spiritual leader.

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[xx]-Cocky douche bag
[xx]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[xx]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[x]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxx]-Dead body.
[xx]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.


Quotes
Either get busy livin or get busy diein
Lord it's a miracle!!!! Man up and vanished like a fart in the wind.
And it's fatass by a nose
He's a phantom, an apparition, second cousin to Harvey the rabbit. I conjured him out of thin air. He doesn't exist, except on paper.
I like to think the last thing that went through his head - other than that bullet - was to wonder how the hell Andy Dufresne ever got the best of him.
Old man is as crazy as a rat in a tin shit house.

This movie is just full of quotable lines. Hell I would be here all night typing the shit you will hear.

Echelon Conspiracy

Netflix Summery:
After stumbling upon a strange cell phone that seems to steer him toward limitless wealth, a young engineer (Shane West) goes along for the ride. But the road veers into dangerous territory when he becomes the target of a global conspiracy. Edward Burns, Ving Rhames and Martin Sheen co-star in this politically charged thriller about a deadly device and the lengths to which people will go to get their hands on it.

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[x]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 6/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Thats right Mr. Peterson, listen to everything the mysterious phone tells you to do. I am sure it has no dastardly motive at all.”
“Hey Mr. FBI man, texts and sms messages ARE THE SAME THING!!!”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time this movie reminds you of the movie Eagle Eye.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“'Say hi to mother'? Wait! Yuri and I are related?!”

Quote:
"Nice to see youre still a prick" "Nice tie"
"Do you know what the 3 most important words in politics are" "No sir" "Dont get caught"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Echelon Conspiracy: AKA, Eagle Eye without Shia LaBeouf.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Computer nerds can type 200 words a minute and all Russian guys have to be named either Yuri, Viktor, Or Ivan

This Movie Brought To You By:
Half of a blueberry muffin, a cup noodle with extra carrots added, and a Jarritos soda

Final Rating:
I give this movie 2 ½ power overloads via a belt buckle out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Knocking out the power with a belt, making insane bets at casinos because a phone told you to, pointing at an estranged stair well on a surveillance screen and knowing EXACTLY where it is, a guy that kinda sounds like the Alstate commercial guy, convincing a computer that it is doing the wrong thing, a crappy attempt at a twist ending, and FINALLY: starting off the movie on a tense note in which someone get nailed by a train...and then breaking into a poppy, indie rock song.

Hudson Hawk

This movie was awesome!!!

It gave a few nods to the flint movies. If you have never seen our man flint, or in like flint you need to.

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[xxxxxx]-Someone explodes
[xxxxx]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

I have to give atleast one quote from this masterpiece.
"I want to do community service. I want to teach handicapped children to yodle."

Bonus

Thank you Dalamar.

http://www.spike.com/video/cinemassacre-top-10/3327701

Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus

Megashark Vs. Giant Octupus
Netflix Summery:
After a series of mysterious disasters occurs in the Pacific, from the disappearance of a plane to the destruction of an oil rig, a group of scientists discovers that a secret military mission has unearthed a prehistoric shark and a giant octopus. When the government learns of the existence of the menacing beasts, the team of scientists is tasked with formulating a plan to destroy the phenomenal creatures. Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson star.

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[x]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[x]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[x]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[x]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[x]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 10/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“If your friend dropped the dvd off why was there no return address on the envelope?”
“Wow a sex scene that was essential to the plot”
“You guys dont know if thats the shark or the octopus? The sonar clearly depicts a blob looking thing with tentatcles.”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink everytime they restablish where the main characters are by an outside shot and a title saying that they are at " Treasure Island, US Naval Air Command Station

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Man I cant believe we just killed that giant shark and ocotupus. Guess its time to kill Super Shrimp”

Quote:
"Yeah customs, we have customs in the U.S too." "Urinatiing on co-workers?"
"Those guys have been frozed in ice for millions of years, wouldnt you be a little horny?"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Megashark Vs. Giant Octopus: a movie that proves that its possible to fall in love after knowing someone for a little more then a week.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Smart Japanese scientist and smart people wear glasses

This Movie Brought To You By:
Ribs, brownies, and a philly cheese steak hot pocket

Final Rating:
I give this movie 2 ½ unlikely animal rivalries out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Sharksicle, a foot and a half long sharks tooth, randomly cutting to black and white, using the same shot over and over again, pronouncing "Feng Shui" as "Fang Shui", the stereotype that all chemicals when mixed change colors, neon glowing pheromones, giant shark taking a bite out of the golden gate bridge while the military literally just sits there, huge tentacles slapping a fighter jet out of the sky, and FINALLY: megashark jumping out of the water and taking out a 747 jet with its teeth
-Frazati

Marked for death

Typical Steven Segal bullshit. I was not too impressed with this movie. I think it is the bottom of the buket for his movies.

[xx]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]-Someone explodes
[x]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[x]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[x]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[xxx]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[x]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Yojimbo

I hated this movie. DAMN YOU SERGIO LEONE!!!! Why did you have to rip off the chinese??

[xxx]-Bad guy has facial hair
[xx]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[x]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

Surrogates

Surrogates
Netflix Summery:
Based on Robert Venditti's graphic novel of the same name, director Jonathan Mostow's sci-fi thriller is set in a futuristic world in which humans hibernate at home while living their lives vicariously through robot surrogates. When a series of mysterious surrogate murders occurs, FBI agent Greer (Bruce Willis) ventures out into the world for the first time in years to investigate. Radha Mitchell and Ving Rhames co-star.

Checklist:
[x]Bad guy has facial hair
[x]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[x]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[x]Character that is taking revenge
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Someone trips during a chase scene
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[x]Intro includes narrated back story
[ ]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 10/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“WHAT?! BRUSE WILLIS WITH HAIR?!”
“I guess James Cromwell is the go-to guy for whenever you need an old guy character who is responsible for inventing and pioneering the mass usage of robots.”
“Whats the point of war if you are just killin robots?”

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Golly geez, all the surrogates are dead. Now who is gonna clean up all these robots?”

Quote:
“To kill an addiction, you have to kill the addict”

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Surrogates: The Matrix, starring Bruce Willis.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Fat computer nerds and hicks with shotguns

This Movie Brought To You By:
PB&J and some left over chicken nuggets

Final Rating:
I give this movie 3 ½ horrible looking hairpieces out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Fat guys living double lives as skinny blonde women, trying to pat out the flames of a helicopter that just exploded, japanese robot rental shops, robot crucifixion, everyone in the world falling over at the same time, the ol' using someones body to bypass retinal scanners trick, Bruce Willis's awful hairpiece, and FINALLY: getting your surrogate “high” with an electric bong.

Traitor sucks. Bad.

I would like to take the time to apologize. I really really really tried to watch Traitor. I hadn't done a post in a few days and I felt like I owed you guys. But Traitor was so bad that I couldnt finish it. It was boring, it dragged, and it just failed to keep my attention. There were no cliches except one or two so it wasnt even worth sticking around for the cliche factor. So my review this time is a word of warning: do NOT watch Traitor. Tonight I will be watching Surrogates. I know that even if that movie sucks hardcore that it wont on the same level as Traitor. So you WILL get a review tonight. I promise. Also I would like to take this time to announce 2 updates to the checklist. I have swapped out "character with a funny name" and "bumbling cops" for "character that is taking revenge" and "someone trips during a chase scene".

Kung Fu Killer

This wraps up the David Carradine series I have been doing. This movie was awesome. Hell it even made Darryl Hannah appear to be fuckable.

[x]-Bad guy has facial hair
[x]-Dead family member
[x]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[xxx]-Someone gets impaled
[xxxx]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[xxx]-Someone explodes
[x]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[x]-“I want him alive”
[xx]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[x]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[x]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[x]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

This movie is not for the feint of heart however, or people with a weak stomach. You do see up close and personal people being embowled. There are at least two bodies you see the intestines leaking out. There is 1 decapitation. A few limbs here and there.

Here is some filler: Dinocroc Vs. Supergator

Sorry I haven't posted anything for a few days. I have been away from internet access for a few days and havent been able to stream anything. But I still like to give fans of the blog some content so I decided to post some filler. I was flipping channels and noticed that Dinocroc Vs. Supergator was on Syfy. So while I have no drinking game, quotes, etc. I have the cliche list for you that I checked off while I watched the movie. Also I have internet access again and will be watching a movie tonight. Tune in later today for Traitor.

Megacroc Vs. Supergator
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[x]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[x]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[x]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[x]Bad guy (this case, every character) uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[x]Martyrdom
[xxxx]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[x]Impossible throw/shot
Cliche total: 14/45

Boondock Saints

If you have not seen this movie before you better be willing to give a damn good excuse why it is not the next movie you watch.




[xxxxxxxx]-Bad guy has facial hair
[xxxxx]-Dead family member
[x]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[x] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[x]-Hard ass chick
[x]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[x]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[xx]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[x]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[x]-Bad guy uses a pun
[x]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[xx]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[xx]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[x]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

There are many good lines from this movie. Here is one of my favorite.

“I can't buy a pack of smokes without running into 9 guys you fucked.”

The worst part about this movie is the lyrics. A lot of the music was done by Troy Duffy's band called the boondock saints. Talk about overuse of a good name. I am surprised he has not made a boondock saints production company.

XXX

XXX
Netflix Summery:
Xander "XXX" Cage (Vin Diesel), a notorious underground rush-seeker deemed untouchable by the law, is coerced by NSA Agent Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson) to cooperate with the government and infiltrate a Russian crime ring. If XXX succeeds, Gibbons promises to keep him out of prison. Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious) directs this high-octane, action-packed thrill ride. Asia Argento and Marton Csokas co-star.

Checklist:
[x]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[x]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[x]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[x]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[x]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy (this time, good guy) because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[x]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[x]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[xx]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 12/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Hey! its Machete!!”
“Of course you're gonna find him. hes the only guy wearing a suit at a hard rock concert.”
“The girl just said that the car pretty much has everything you can imagine to take out the sub. Why do you insist on having to get on top of it? Way to move the plot forward writers. “
“You said it was a submarine, not a jet ski”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time Vin Diesel passes out or gets knocked unconscious. Take a drink every time some heavy metal song plays in the background.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“You know, maybe having sex underwater wasn't such a good idea”

Quote(s):
"You wanna get on a plane? or is 'kiss my ass' your final answer?"
"You got a bazooka. Dude stop thinking proper police and start thinking Playstation. Blow sh*t up!"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
XXX: Vin Deasel's way of giving the X-games the finger after they wouldn't let him compete.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Russians not only love their vodka, but can only be named Viktor, Yuri, or Ivan.

This Movie Brought To You By:
A cheeseburger and a rainbow float.

Final Rating:
I give this movie 3 slow motion stunt scenes out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Jumping cars off of a bridge, bowling with vases, a crap load of Russians, a girl pole dancing on a bed pillar, randomly switching from Russian to English when it moves the plot forward, putting a lit cigarette behind your ear, using a serving tray to blind a sniper, skating down a railing with said serving tray, exploding tables, purposely causing (and then outrunning) an avalanche, blowing up a potato truck, and FINALLY: nailing a sniper with a heat seeking rocket because the sniper is smoking.

-Frazati

11:14

Ok this movie was pretty good. Sure it had Hillary Swank in it who I loathe. But it was still good. It was about the events of a night that all came together at 11:14. Each of the events were told from a different point of view and showed how they all tied together nicely.

[]-Bad guy has facial hair
[]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[x]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xx]-Dead body.
[]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

I give this movie 3.5 bowling balls and a headstone statue.

My favorite scene in the movie is when two of the lead characters are fucking in the grave yard. The chick is riding the guy while he rests his head against a head stone. She pounds him so hard that the head of the statue on the head stone breaks off and smashes his head in right as she is climaxing. Her first words are "did you cum?"

Pandorum

Pandorum
Netflix Summary:
“Upon rousing themselves from hyper-sleep, Payton (Dennis Quaid) and Bower (Ben Foster), a pair of crewmen assigned to work on a spacecraft, discover startling gaps in their collective memory -- including who they are and what, exactly, their mission was in the first place. The plot thickens when they realize they're not the only ones on board the ship.Cam Gigandet co-stars in this gripping sci-fi thriller.”

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[x]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[ ]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[x]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[x]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 9/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Hey look! Reevers!”
“I like how the whole ship is just one huge crankable flashlight.”
“So first the cryo tubes were sound proof. now they aren't for the sake of the plot. way to go writers.”
“Why doesn't that exit door have a hand crank?”
“IT WAS EARTH THE WHOLE TIME!!!”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time someone cracks open a glow stick out of thin air.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Hey! Our species is gonna survive! Now how are we gonna reach the ship now that we know its at the bottom of an ocean?”

Quote:
"What would be more stupid? Trusting the ship will hold to see another day when it has kept me alive for all these years? Or trusting some guy whose just good enough to say anything just as I'm about to carve a steak out of his girlfriend?"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Pandorum: Pretty much its Aliens and Donnie Darko. Except there are zombies and no creepy looking rabbit.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
There are pretty much zero stereotypes that I could find.

This Movie Brought To You By:
A chicken and ranch burrito

Final Rating:
I give Pandorum 3 ½ glow sticks pulled out of thin air out of 5

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving To Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
Peeling your skin off after waking up from hyper sleep, falling into a huge pit of poo and who knows what else, a pointless character that for some reason didn't speak english (but boy does he know how to hold up a metal bridge with his bare hand), a space ship thats pretty much a crankable flashlight, and finally: mutant zombie babies!!!

-Frazati

The Karate Kid

Ok here are the things you are interested in.
[x]-Bad guy has facial hair
[xx]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[]-Someone gets impaled
[]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[x]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[xxxxx]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[x]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[x]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[x]-Bad guy uses a pun
[x]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[x]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[x]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[]-Dead body.
[xx]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

I remember watching this movie as a kid a couple of times. Ok until I wore out the tape. Now that I am watching it much later, I could barely stomach the movie. It was everything I had in me to finish it. Yeah yeah endearing coming of age blah blah blah. Daniel is a pussy. There is no way you can learn enough karate in 6 months to even fake it at a championship let alone win unless the people you are fighting are idiots. I know I know doing yard work teaches karate. NO, it teaches how to block against some focused punches and kicks thrown a specific way that is it.

Then let's talk about the competition. In the second to last fight he gets kicked in the upper leg. It drops him to the ground like a crying bitch. Then the badass he was fighting runs and kneels next to Daniel and tells him "I didn't want to do it Daniel I swear". If you didn't want to do it asshat then why did you. No wonder this guy left acting to become a motivation speaker with a blackbelt in exercise. (Yes it is true it is on his website). So Daniel gets to the last round. *SPOILER ALERT*. He gets the win using the crane technique invented for the movie that according to myagi is unstoppable. That is as long as your opponent for gets to dodge or duck. Daniel succeeds with the kick and wins the tournament. Then to top it all off the person who was the leader of the gang that kicked Daniels ass on numerous occasions gives him the trophey while fighting back tears and smiling and says "You're alright Daniel". Apparently 6 months of yard work and focused defence earns you the respect of a gang of thugs. Thanks for that lesson hollywood.

I will never watch this movie again. I can only hope the remake has more to offer. While I will miss Pat Morita, Will Smiths kid is a better actor than Ralph Machio.

I am sorry to the people that like this movie if my review seems harsh. If you liked the movie, please continue liking it for the reasons you do and forget my review.

Battlefield Earth

Netflix Summary:

"In the year 2000, an alien race known as the Psychlos devastated Earth and turned it into a wasteland. In the year 3000, the aliens -- led by the horrific Terl (John Travolta) -- still hold the surviving human population hostage and have forced Earthlings into slavery. But when human Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) discovers the aliens' major weakness and leads the final fight for Earth's survival, the parasitic Psychlos are in for a shock."

Checklist:
[xxxxxx]Bad guy has facial hair
[xxx]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[xx]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off (or in this case, blown off)
[ ]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[x]“We got company”
[ ]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[xxx]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[x]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[x]“Last hope”
[x]Martyrdom
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[ ]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[ ]Deus Ex Machina
[x]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 13/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“Man that prison food looks like it is the stuff they insulate homes with.”
“I cannot take any of these aliens seriously with those things up their noses.”
“For an alien race that looks down on us and treats us as inferior animals, they sure like to use a lot of our idioms and cliches.”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time one of the aliens makes some comment about how stupid/ inferior the "Mananimals" are. Take a drink every time the main alien says the word "leverage". Take 2 drinks every time the main alien chokes someone. Chug a beer every time the main alien promises something and then does that thing via doing that thing in a roundabout way (i.e "I promise I wont kill him" *hands the detonator to his buddy and his buddy blows a human up* “See I didn't blow him up, that guy did”)

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Finally, those aliens are gone and we have our planet back. Boy I sure want some more of that prison food.”

Quote:
"With my share I'm gonna fire all my wives, and buy new ones.”

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Battlefield Earth: A movie that shows how simple it is for humans that grew up without technology can easily become experts at using fighter planes, assault rifles, and nukes.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Prison brawl scene. Antagonist thinks that he is a complete genius and there is no way that his plan can fail.

This Movie Brought To You By:
Some oatmeal with some apple thrown in, and some more pizza rolls.

Final Rating:
This movie gets a rating of 2 ½ Comments on how Mananimals are stupid out of 5.

Things You Might Have Missed By Leaving to Make A Sandwich During The Movie:
The stereotypical alien alcohol that glows some neon color, the language teaching machine that shoots light into your eyes and BAM you can speak alien, shooting the legs off a cow, primitive ape sounds for communication, nose plugs that help you breathe, breaking through a window with a bike tire, a pointless 5 minute scene put in there so that John Travolta can use the insult “Rat Brain” over and over again, and finally: collars that are rigged with just enough explosives to blow a humans head off.

Note from the Author: Quick update on the checklist: I have swapped out "Morgan Freeman" for "Martyrdom".

-Frazati

Die Hard 2

Die Hard 2
Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[x]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[x]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]Someone explodes
[x]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[x]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[x]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Morgan Freeman (in person or narration)
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrated back story
[ ]Deus Ex Machina
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 11/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“If you're a terrorist, never try to save money by buying the 10 second grenades. Always stick to the 3 second grenades. Its an oldie, but goodie.”
“Wait this guy is the Sargent of an anti terrorist platoon and all he has is a pistol?”
“Yes grandma, I love technology. It sure comes in handy when we animate the electricity for your stun gun.”

The Drinking Game:
Take a drink every time McClain loses his gun, gripes about something, or is rolling around on his back.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Man I sure am getting good at this foiling terrorists thing. Crap we forgot the kids at Grandmas!”

Quote:
"I dont like to fly" "Then why are you here?" "I dont like to lose either"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Die Hard 2: A movie that continues the transformation of John McClain from ordinary LA cop to a parkour master.

Stereotypes Portrayed:
Douche bag police chief that yells at everyone. Hostess loving cops. Leaders from Spanish speaking countries love their cigars.

This Movie Brought To You By:

Pizza Rolls and raspberry lemonade

-Frazati

Law Abiding Citizen

I guess I will be adding more of the things Josh has for his.

[x]-Bad guy has facial hair
[xx]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[x] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[xx]-Someone gets impaled
[x]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[xxxxx]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[x]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[x]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[x]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[]-intro with narrative back story.
[x]-ASSHOLES that need to be castrated due to violent acts and crimes committed on children.

I thought this movie was horrible starting out. I do not like movies that leave suggestions in your mind about violent acts happening to children. Using things like that as shock value is crossing the line. After the first 10 minuets, I really got into this movie. It was awesome. It had a twist I was not expecting at the end.

If I had to summarize the movie in one statement it would be. Don't let fathers catch you cutting deals to let the killer of their child and wife go free.

Memorable quote

"I don't care what obscure ruling we have to bring up or what laws we have to bend to get him out of our city."

Too bad Jaime Foxx was the only one who got what the father was trying to say.

Batman Returns

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[x]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[x]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off (Does the big metal duck count?)
[ ]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[x]Hard ass chick
[ ]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[ ]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[x]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[ ]Guy named Jack
[xx]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[x]Midget
[x]Monkey
[ ]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[ ]Character with a stupid name
[x]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[x]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy (This case, good guy) because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying (or in this case: pressing a button)
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Morgan Freeman (in person or narration)
[x]Blonde in distress (Depending of your definition of “Distress”)
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[ ]Car/vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[ ]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrative back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina (Oh yeah! We can jam frequencies!)
[ ]Impossible throw/shot
Cliché Total: 11/45

Things I Thought to Myself While Watching This Movie:
“New York has gators. Gotham has penguins.”
“Is it humanly possible to shove all those stuffed animals down the garbage disposal?”
“No Batman I don't blame you for the ridiculousness of your closet full of multiple Batman costumes. I blame Burton.”
“If I were rich; and I was throwing a party; there would be no way, ever, that I would have an orchestral version of MC Hammers "Cant Touch This" playing as the party music.”

The Drinking Game:

Take a drink the Penguin makes it obvious that he is a horny pervert. Take a drink every time the secretary lady makes some snide comment about how shes single.

Thoughts Of The Main Character As It Fades To Credits:
“Ah what a wonderful Christmas. I wonder what happened to that army of penguins?”

Quote:
"Actually, more of a question. You stupid corn dog"

Summarization of Movie in One or Two Sentences:
Pretty much if you have a traumatic experience (i.e having your parents shot in front of you, being thrown into a river as a child, being thrown through a window) you will become a super hero/villain and base your image off of whatever animal comes to your rescue (i.e bats, penguins, cats).

And now...a note from the author:

Hello everyone. I would like to take a brief moment and introduce a man named Dalamar. Since the experiments inception he too has been watching and has been looking for cliches in movies as well (although he uses a slightly different checklist then I do). If you did not notice from todays earlier post he will be from now on co-hosting the blog with me. Critiquing movies and marking off its cliches. I would like to take this time and welcome Mr. Dalamar to the blog and hope that he will provide as good if not better insight on movies then I do currently.

-Frazati

Road of No Return

This movie was more of a chick flique than a killer movie. Only cause of the soft hitmen that adopted two girls when the drugdealers they killed were trying to use them as payment to some Japanese pedophiles. Oh and if there is a stereotype it was used. Black guy hated whites loved fried chicken etc. White redneck was a neonatzi. Indian worshipped mother earth etc.

[xx]-Bad guy has facial hair
[x]-Dead family member
[]-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[] -“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[x]-Someone gets impaled
[]-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[x]-Someone explodes
[]-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[]-“I want him alive”
[]-Hard ass chick
[]-Runs out of ammo
[]-“We got company”
[]-Character that doesn't follow the rules
[]-Wilhelm
[x]-Cocky douche bag
[]-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[]-Bad guy has a theme song
[x]-Token black guy
[]-Black guy dies first
[]-“Aw hell no”
[x]-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[]-Old man mentor
[]-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[]-Guy named Jack
[x]-Bad guy uses a pun
[]-Crotchety old man
[]-4th wall breach
[]-Scenery shot to eat up time.
[]-Uncomfortable scene where cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more than friends or likes them as more than a friend.
[x]-Bad guy laughs at own joke.
[xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]-Dead body.
[x]-Main Character says something blatantly obvious.
[x]-intro with narrative back story.

Tremors 3

Checklist:

[ ]Bad guy has facial hair

[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[ x]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[ ]Wilhelm
[x]Cocky douche bag
[x]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[ ]Token black guy
[ ]Black guy dies first
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[ ]Old man mentor
[x]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[x]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[x]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[x]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[x]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[x]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy (or in this case, ass blaster) because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[x]“Last hope”
[ ]Morgan Freeman (in person or narration)
[ ]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”
[x]Car/other vehicle flies off a cliff, then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[ ]Intro includes narrative back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina
[x]Impossible throw/shot

Death Count: 5

Cliche Total: 14/45

Things I thought to myself while watching this movie:

"To the tourist asking if guy who just got eaten by a gigantic worm is alright: no."

"How to you catch/trap a huge man eating desert worm? Well ya slip it a roofie of course."
"So...you used put an ammo box on the gas pedal of the truck to lure the worm away instead of using the truck to escape?"
"I sure want a microwave that heats up a whole ham in about 3 seconds"
"You couldnt have possibly made the dental floss fishing pole to reach the walkie talkie a few hours ago? You know, before you spent all night on a rock?"

The Drinking Game:

Take a drink whenever someone has to jump on a rock to survive.Take two drinks whenever miguel mixes spanish words into regular conversation.

Thoughts of the main character as it fades to credits:

"Golly geez that sure was fun screwin with that Graboid with an RC car. Now where am I gonna live?"

Quote(s):

"Ass blasters! how about ass blasters?" "Sounds like a porno film"

"Can't run a business where your customers get eaten"
"I'm the masterpiece of self destruction"
"One question. Is your head up your ass for the warmth?"

Summarization of movie in one or two sentences:

Perfection: the only town that has a siren to warn that the gigantic worms that eat noisy things are afoot.

Dragon Wars

Checklist:
[ ]Bad guy has facial hair
[ ]Dead family member
[ ]Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
[ ]“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
[ ]Someone gets impaled
[ ]Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
[ ]Someone explodes
[ ]Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
[ ]“I want him alive”
[ ]Hard ass chick
[x]Runs out of ammo
[ ]“We got company”
[ ]Character that doesn't follow the rules
[xx]Wilhelm
[ ]Cocky douche bag
[ ]Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
[ ]Bad guy has a theme song
[x]Token black guy
[x]Black guy dies first (in this case, black chick)
[ ]“Aw hell no”
[ ]SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
[x]Old man mentor
[ ]Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
[x]Guy named Jack
[ ]Bad guy uses a pun
[ ]Crotchety old man
[ ]Midget
[ ]Monkey
[x]Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
[ ]Bad guy laughs
[ ]Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
[x]Character with a stupid name
[ ]That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
[ ]Bumbling cops
[ ]Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
[ ]Explanation via a chalkboard
[ ]“Last hope”
[ ]Morgan Freeman (in person or narration)
[x]Blonde in distress
[ ]“Shes gonna blow!”

[ ]Car/tank/other vehicle flies off a cliff, and then explodes
[ ]Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
[x]Character says something blatantly obvious
[x]Intro includes narrative back story
[x]Deus Ex Machina

Cliches total- 12/45

Things I thought to myself while watching this movie:

"Why does this movie need two titles? Dragon Wars or D-War. Make up your mind."

"Apparently people who own bars in California dont realize that its illegal to serve booze to a 19 year old"

"Yes! Not only does the bad guy get hit by a car once, but twice!!"

"Exactly 59 minutes and 23 seconds into the movie, after the FBI knows there is a gigantic snake plowing its way through LA, after they mobilize forces to a cave where they tracked it down (it later escapes), and after it has climbed up the side of a building... the army FINALLY shows up."

The Drinking Game: T

ake a drink whenever the main guy has a blank look on his face when something exciting is happening. Take 2 drinks every time the token black guy provides an escape vehicle via an SUV.

Thoughts of the main character as it fades to credits: "Well shucks the chick is dead but hey I guess its for the good of all things. Now how am i supposed to get home from this undisclosed, post apocolyptic desert? Uh hey Token Black Guy you got another SUV?"

Quote: "You said it was big, not something that could swallow a bus!"

-Token Black Guy

Summarization of movie in one or two sentences:

Dragon Wars, a movie where up until an hour and 18 minutes in there are NO DRAGONS WHATSOEVER. The movie is an hour and 22 minutes long.

The Official Checklist (Subject to change)

-Bad guy has facial hair
-Dead family member
-Bad guy “wants to deal with it myself”
-“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
-Someone gets impaled
-Someone gets a limb/head hacked off
-Someone explodes
-Someone dives out of the way of an explosion
-“I want him alive”
-Hard ass chick
-Runs out of ammo
-“We got company”
-Character that doesn't follow the rules
-Wilhelm
-Cocky douche bag
-Someone/something farts,poops,pukes,gets hit in the junk, or gets some sort of bodily fluid -besides blood squirted,thrown,or splattered on them.
-Bad guy has a theme song
-Token black guy
-Black guy dies first
-“Aw hell no”
-SSSSLLLOOOWWW MMMOOOTTTIIIOOONNN!!
-Old man mentor
-Animal/robot/sidekick for comedy relief
-Guy named Jack
-Bad guy uses a pun
-Crotchety old man
-Midget
-Monkey
-Uncomfortable scene where the cute guy/girl finds out unattractive friend wants to be more then friends or likes them more then a friend.
-Bad guy laughs
-Bad guy laughs at at his own stupid joke
-Character that is taking revenge
-That overused scene where the two characters almost kiss but get interrupted by something
-Someone trips during a chase scene
-Character misses chance to shoot bad guy because he is too busy staring or listening to what the bad guy is saying
-Explanation via a chalkboard
-“Last hope”
-Martyrdom
-Blonde in distress
-Montage of some sort that shows time is passing
-Car/tank/other vehicle flies off a cliff, and then explodes
-Henchmen waiting around and passing the time by talking to one another
-Character says something blatantly obvious
-Intro includes narrative back story
-Deus Ex Machina
-Impossible throw/shot